What the flock?

THE TRUE TERRORIST THREAT LEVEL IN EUROPE

2007-07-15T22:30:00.000+12:00

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have recently raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'.

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'.

Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'.
The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire, which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'.
Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'.
They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbour' and 'Lose.'

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old ones.

Butcher Dance

2007-07-15T22:26:00.000+12:00

A guy spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?" "What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree." "Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not till next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?" "No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been travelling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!" The chief recognised him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief. "Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."

Contact

2007-05-26T13:21:00.000+12:00

Isn't if funny that in todays society, with email, cellphones etc that it is easier than ever to stay in contact with people, yet it is also easier to lose contact, and the contact that you have is less and less personal.

Perhaps progress isn't always a good thing.

Inflatable Boy

2007-05-10T11:00:00.000+12:00

There’s this inflatable boy and he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.

A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.

Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."

It's not MY fault...it's YOUR fault

2007-05-07T19:08:00.001+12:00

Everyone these days seems to be playing the blame game.

Nothing is ever their fault, it's always someone elses fault.

Shooter in Virgina - Not his fault, he was bullied.
Prisoner beaten in a van - Not his fault, he was failed by the system
Hit & Run driver - Not his fault, police should have stepped in sooner.

These are just 3 examples...there are too many to mention.
Virgina - Who pulled the trigger?
Prisoner - Who was arrested, and got lippy to a fellow prisoner?
Hit & Run - Who was involved in a fight? and got in their car and hit the people?

Our generation is a generation of excuses. We are a generation that no other generation before us have had things so good, yet we still want want want... we want things for no work...

I am tired of the "poor me" epidemic we have.

People need to accept responsibility for their own actions and stop blaming others.
If you do something wrong, then accept that you've done something wrong, and learn from it.

Cow Capitalism

2007-03-11T12:47:00.000+13:00

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by yourbrother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer sothat you get all four cows back, with a tax exemptionfor five cows. The milk rights of the six cows aretransferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islandcompany secretly owned by the majority shareholder whosells the rights to all seven cows back to your listedcompany.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of anordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eatonce a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest thenewsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute.

2007-02-23T18:47:00.000+13:00

Indian Christmas

2006-12-23T12:09:00.000+13:00

The Saints are Coming....I mean, have Been!

2006-11-27T21:26:00.000+13:00

I speak good England

2006-11-12T19:06:00.000+13:00

- We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox becomes oxen not oxes.
- One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
- You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
- If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
- If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
- If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
- Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
- We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
- Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
- Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.
- There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
- English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.
- But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
- And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
- Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
- If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
- If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
- In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
- Have noses that run and feet that smell?
- How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
- You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
- If Dad is Pop, how's come Mum isn't Mop?

TomCat

2006-10-16T08:51:00.000+13:00

description The server encountered an internal error () that prevented it from fulfilling this request.

exception

javax.servlet.ServletException: createFormsDatabase(): java.sql.SQLException: Io exception: Connection refused(DESCRIPTION=(TMP=)(VSNNUM=153092864)(ERR=12505)(ERROR_STACK=(ERROR=(CODE=12505)(EMFI=4))))

sml.framework2.servlet.ServletResponse.init(ServletResponse.java:109)

org.apache.catalina.valves.ErrorReportValve.invoke(ErrorReportValve.java:164)

org.apache.coyote.tomcat5.CoyoteAdapter.service(CoyoteAdapter.java:211)

org.apache.jk.server.JkCoyoteHandler.invoke(JkCoyoteHandler.java:309)

org.apache.jk.common.HandlerRequest.invoke(HandlerRequest.java:387)

org.apache.jk.common.ChannelSocket.invoke(ChannelSocket.java:673)

org.apache.jk.common.ChannelSocket.processConnection(ChannelSocket.java:615)

org.apache.jk.common.SocketConnection.runIt(ChannelSocket.java:786)

org.apache.tomcat.util.threads.ThreadPool$ControlRunnable.run(ThreadPool.java:677)

java.lang.Thread.run(Thread.java:534)

note The full stack trace of the root cause is available in the Tomcat logs.

The previous is an error log from work.

What I want to know is what the hang Tom Cruise and Katie Homes have to do with it…..

Friday

2006-10-13T11:55:00.000+13:00

Yes, It's Friday the 13th Today

So?

Tomorrow is Saturday the 14th!

Shock Horror

Today I

Crossed a Black Cats Path

Walked under ladders

Broke Mirrors

I opened all the unbrellas I own, inside

And the day turned out fine.

Fingers crossed, there's still 5mins left of it

Spring in the City

2006-09-21T22:31:00.000+12:00

Not bad for an amateur.

Flash Photography

2006-08-30T19:35:00.000+12:00

Growing Up in New Zealand

2006-08-17T17:56:00.000+12:00

GROWING UP IN NEW ZEALAND

I'm talking about hide and seek/spotlight in the park. The corner
dairy, hopscotch, four square, go carts, cricket in front of the
garbage bin and inviting everyone on your street to join in,
skipping (double dutch), gutterball, handstands, elastics,
bullrush, catch and kiss, footy on the best lawn in the street,
slip'n'slides, the trampoline with water on it
(or a sprinkler under it), hula hoops,jumping in puddles with
gumboots on, mud pies and building dams in the gutter. The smell
of the sun and fresh cut grass.

'Big bubbles no troubles' with Hubba Bubba bubble gum. A topsy.
Mr Whippy cones on a warm summer night after you've chased him
round the block. 20 cents worth of mixed lollies lasted a week
and pretending to smoke "fags" (the lollies) was really cool!..
A dollars' worth of chips from the corner take-away fed two
people (AND the sauce was free!!).

Being upset when you botched putting on the temporary tattoo
from the bubblegum packet, but still wearing it proudly.
Watching Saturday morning cartoons: 'The Smurfs', 'AstroBoy',
'He-man', 'Captain Caveman','Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles',
'Jem' (trulyoutrageous!!), 'Super d'',and
'Heeeey heeeeey heeeeeeey it's faaaaaaat Albert'.
Or staying up late and sneaking a look at the "AO" on the
second telly, being amazed when you watched TV right up until
the 'Goodnight Kiwi!'

When After School with Jason Gunn & Thingie had a cult following
and What Now was on saturday mornings! When around the corner
seemed a long
way, and going into town seemed like going somewhere. Where
running away meant you did laps of the block because you weren't
allowed to cross the road?? A million mozzie bites, wasp and bee
stings (stee bings!).

Sticky fingers, goodies & baddies, cops and robbers, cowboys and
indians, riding bikes til the streetlights came on and catching
tadpoles in horse troughs.

Going down to the school swimming pool when you didn't have a key
and your friends letting you in, drawing all over the road and
driveway with chalk. Climbing trees and building huts out of every
sheet your mum had in the cupboard (and never putting them back
folded). Walking to school in bare feet, no matter what the weather.

When writing 'I love....? on your pencil case, really did mean it
was true love. "he loves me? he loves me not?" and daisy chains on
the front lawn. Stealing other people's flowers from their gardens
and then selling them back to them...

Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your
stomach hurt. Pitching the tent in the back/front yard (and never
being able to find all the pegs). Jumping on the bed. Singing into
your hair brush in front of the mirror, making mix tapes...

Sleep overs and ghosts stories with the next door neighbours.

Pillowfights, spinning round, getting dizzy and falling down was
cause for the giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked
last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Weetbix cards pegged on the spokes transformed any bike into a
motorcycle. Collecting WWF and garbage pail kids cards.

Eating raw jelly and raro, making homemade lemonade and sucking
on a Rad, a traffic light popsicle, or a Paddle Pop... blurple,
yollange and prink!

You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents!
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best friends" and you would
ask them by sending a note asking them to be your best friend.

You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve and tried (and failed)
to wait up for the tooth fairy. When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When 50c was decent pocket money. When you'd reach into a muddy
gutter for 10c.

When nearly everyone's mum was there when the kids got home from
school.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at
the local Chinese restaurant (or Cobb'n'Co.) with your family.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed her or use him to
carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of
drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents
were a much bigger threat! Some of us are still afraid of them!!!

Remember when decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
or dib dib's-scissors, paper, rock. "Race issue" meant arguing
about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever
was the banker in Monopoly.

Terrorism was when the older kids were at the end of your street
with pea-shooters waiting to ambush you, or the neighbourhood
rottie chased you up a tree!

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was boy/girl
germs, and the worst thing in your day was having to sit next
to one.
Where bluelight disco's were the equivalent to a Rave, and asking
a boy out meant writing a 'polite' note getting them to tick
'yes' or 'no'. When there was always that one 'HOT' guy/girl.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Your biggest danger at school was accidentally walking through
the middle of a heated game of "brandies".

Birthday beats meant you didn't want to go to school on your birthday!

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs
meant scoffing orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C's, or swallowing
half a Panadol. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Going to the beach and catching a wave was a dream come true.
Boogie boarding in the white wash made you the next Kelly Slater.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double- dare".

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest
protectors.

Now, didn't that bring back some fond memories??

If you can remember most of these, you're an Kiwi legend!!!
Pass this on to another Kiwi legend who may need a break from
their "grown up" life...

I DOUBLE-DARE YA!!!!!

Rainbow

2006-08-11T15:51:00.000+12:00

Remember this show (No, you teeny boppers won't)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyqEPgRc6IE

Would you let you kids watch this?

New Bus Class

2006-08-03T18:28:00.000+12:00

I bus to work.
Same bus each morning.
Same bus each night.

Gets you thinking sometimes.

Each morning....I notice. Oh yeah, I notice things.

One thing I notice....new bus social class...oh yeah, you heard me...

Women in Front
Men in Back.

Amazing.

Forget about that dead black lady (Rosa Parks).

Men forced to stay in the back. Can't sit next to women because we're "all pervets". Can't sit next to kids because we're "all perverts"

I think I'll sit up the front of the bus tomorrow to see what the fuss is all about

This post is a sarcastic post. Men aren't pervets. see, now my posts need to have disclaimers now. What's the world coming to.

Sophie Ellis Bextor

2006-07-16T17:11:00.000+12:00

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head butted to death in a French football stars apartment...

Police said it was murder on Zidane's floor.

BiDoom Shiss

Slogan

2006-06-18T20:28:00.000+12:00

Your mission, should to choose to accept it is to visit this link, put your name in and to post the first slogan generated as a comment on this post.

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

My slogan is "Let The Andrew Take The Strain"

EDIT - Crickey, I'm lucky I posted the first comment as my second was
You'll Look a Little Lovelier Each Day with Fabulous Pink Andrew"

Da Vinci

2006-06-06T10:38:00.000+12:00

I just realised that I could have acted in the Da Vinci Code movie.

All I'd need to do would be to stand around looking confused. Run, looking confused. Drive, looking confused.

I'd just need to look confused.

And I would only ask for $22,800 to buy a handbag.

Driving your car more efficiently

2006-05-08T20:15:00.000+12:00

Most people just accept their current fuel bills as inevitable. However, by making a few small changes to your driving style and car maintenance, you can reduce your fuel bill by as much as 20 %!

Avoid unnecessary driving
One third of car trips in New Zealand are 2km or less and two-thirds are under 6km - many of these trips could be made another way or combined with longer trips
Use the bus, walk, cycle, or carpool and plan ahead where possible

Go easy on the pedal
Less aggressive driving practices can improve fuel economy by up to 30%
Accelerate smoothly, avoid heavy braking, avoid congested times, and keep within the speed limit (driving at 90km per hour instead of 110kph saves 25% on fuel)

Maintain your vehicle
Better car maintenance can result in a combined 10-20% improvement in fuel consumption
Keep tyres correctly inflated, check wheel alignment and regularly maintain your engine

Reduce resistance
Remove roof racks, close windows and sunroofs when travelling at open-road speeds and remove unnecessary luggage (remember, it's good for overall fuel economy to fill up the car with people going to a common destination)

Turn off the extras
Use air vents rather than air conditioning - the air conditioner could add 10% to your fuel bill
Longer term - choose the right vehicle
Choose a vehicle that suits your needs (for example, large 4WD's make expensive commuter vehicles)
Generally the smaller the engine capacity, the better the fuel consumption

Nelson

2006-04-29T23:09:00.000+12:00

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit jacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Rabbit

2006-04-21T12:18:00.000+12:00

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

“What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

to which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

Easter

2006-04-14T23:57:00.000+12:00

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

The Games

2006-04-06T10:24:00.000+12:00

Everyone will have been aware of the outrage about “how few medals” we won at the Commonwealth Games.

I blame Kiwi Sports.

Seriously.

Kiwi Sports is a program that is aimed at Primary school children. The main focus is to encourage kids to participate in sports, which is great, but it also teaches kids that participating is more important than the results. Our kids are losing the competitive edge.

The world is a competitive place, and as long as we teach our kids that winning doesn’t matter, then we will continue to perhaps under achieve, with a few exceptions.

Lost

2006-03-27T16:11:00.000+12:00

Why do people say, after they've found something they've been looking for "Oh, it's always in the last place you look"

Of course it is! You don't need to look anymore once you've found it!

U2

2006-03-09T15:05:00.000+13:00

So, hands up who have U2 tickets and no concert to go to??

$20,000,000

2006-03-08T21:11:00.000+13:00

I really think that Americans need a reality check, and realise that sometimes they take things too far. $20Million for being bitten by BedBugs? C'mon!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/03/07/bedbug.suit.ap/index.html

Tuesday, March 7, 2006; Posted: 6:50 p.m. EST (23:50 GMT)

NEW YORK (AP) -- A Chicago booking agent and her husband sued a Catskills resort Tuesday for $20 million, saying her body and mind were scarred after she suffered some 500 bedbug bites while staying at the hotel last summer.
Leslie Fox, 54, said she and husband Stephen Cohen never felt the bedbugs bite while sleeping at the 700-room Nevele Hotel in Ellenville, New York.
She said she noticed the lesions when she got up after their third night there.
"I was horrified to see all of those bites all over my body," Fox said.
"I became very upset and alarmed," she added.
"I was miserable. My skin felt as if it was on fire and I wanted to tear it off."
As she discussed the allegations Tuesday, Fox sat in front of about a dozen photographs, including several pictures of her back, chest, arms and legs -- all covered with bloody bites and pustules.
Joe O'Connor, a lawyer for the resort, said he and his client had not seen the lawsuit so he could not comment. But he said the hotel has ongoing treatment and inspection by pest control companies that will certify the Nevele is bug-free.
O'Connor also said he had contacted the lawyer who filed the suit and was "trying to work things out."
Several other lawsuits have been filed in New York City and other U.S. cities because of alleged bedbug attacks in hotels.

Thoughts

2006-02-26T20:56:00.000+13:00

I am going to do an experiment on you...

I am going to write a phrase down, and I want you to comment on what happens when you read it.

There is absolutely no scientific basis to this. It is purely for interest...

Imagine you are scraping your finger nails down a blackboard.

There, what happened?

Exciting News!

2006-02-14T09:52:00.000+13:00

Briscoes has a sale!

Unbelievable!

Work

2006-02-06T22:59:00.000+13:00

There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.

At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy,
"You're in charge of the cement."
Then he said to the Russian guy,
"You're in charge of the dirt."
Then he said to the Korean guy,
"You're in charge of the supplies."

Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired."

So they all go off to go get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes,
"Good work," to the Spanish guy.

Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says,
"Good work," to the Russian guy.

Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks,
"Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

Inflated

2006-01-23T21:03:00.000+13:00

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out.

Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him so he pulls a compass out of his pencil case and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his compass out and stabs the inflatable school.

He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out the compass and stabs himself.

Later on in the evening he wakes up in the inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones

"You've let me down, you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down

Bird Flu and Stuff

2006-01-16T11:57:00.000+13:00

I’m sure everyone has heard about the impending doom predicted about this Bird Flu that is going around.

I can only imagine the horror.

Picture this if you will.

With thousands of birds with the flu, imagine how much snot that involves?

All these birds will be sick in bed. There will be a world shortage of Lemons, Tissues, and Paracetamol.

There will be a plague of worms, because, there will be no early birds to catch them.

And a Bird in the hand will be worthless because there will be no birds in the bush, they’ll all be at home sick in bed.

The world will be humourless because there will be no chickens crossing the road.

All the male birds will be feeling like they are dying, and all the well female birds will be at home looking after them.

And the PGA Tour will be changed forever because Birdies, Eagles, and Albatroses will cease to exist.

Doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

Resolu-tion

2006-01-12T23:30:00.000+13:00

So, how many people have made New Years Resolutions
Hands up....

....1,2,3,5,10...okay, a lot of you.

Why?

What sort of New Years Resolutions have people made?
Lose weight?, be Nice to People, Save Money, right?

How many people have broken their resolutions already and are thinging, bah, there goes the year.

Why wait until a New Year to do these? Why not do it today? Anyday is a good day to start eating better, being nicer to people, start saving money?

I'm not a fan on New Years Resolutions.
If I have a resolution, I chose the day I decided to chance, and go from there.

The Year of Firsts....

2005-12-28T17:21:00.000+13:00

It is done.

Christmas for Everyone

2005-12-25T09:51:00.000+13:00

It's Christmas Day!

Everyone is happy, and joyous!

Not everyone.

Others are pensive and thoughful.

For some Christmas is another "first" on the years of "firsts" after the death of a loved one.
For Me, this Christmas is the second to last "first" since my Dad died, but it's also another "first" since one of my best friends died in July!

Confused?

Hmm, this post is sounding very morbid isn't it!

All I want to say is enjoy your selves this Christmas Day, but also, be sensitive to people who may not have the usual joy that they have at this time of year.

This year, has been one of those years, and in another 3 days, my "year of firsts" will be complete.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

2005-12-21T08:58:00.000+13:00

'Twas the night before Christmas,and all round the bach

Not a possum was stirring; not one could we catch.

We'd left on the table a meat pie and beer,

In hopes that Santa Claus soon would be here.

We children were snuggled up in our bunk beds,

While dreams of pavlova danced in our heads;

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,

Had just settled down to watch TV sports

When outside the bach such a hoo-ha arose,

I woke up at once from my wonderful doze.

I ran straight to the sliding door, looking about,

Jumped out on the deck, and let out a shout!

The fairy lights Dad had strung up around the door

Let me see everything down to the shore.

And what did I see, when I took a peep?

But a miniature tractor and eight tiny sheep.

With a little old driver, his dog on his knee.

I knew at once who this joker might be.

He patted his dog, and in a voice not unkind,

Cried "Good on ya, boy! Now, GIT IN BEHIND!

"Now, Flossy! now, Fluffy! now Shaun and Shane!

On, Bossy! on Buffy! on Jason and Wayne!

Up that red tree, to the top of the bach!

But mind you don't trample the vegetable patch."

So up on the roof those sheep quickly flew,

With the tractor of toys, Santa and his dog too.

As my sister awoke and I turned around,

In through the window he came with a bound.

He wore a black singlet and little white shorts,

And stuck on his feet were gumboots of course;

A sackful of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a postie just opening his pack.

His eyes-bright as paua shell-oh, how they twinkled!

Like an old tuatara, his skin was all wrinkled!

He had a wide face and a round, fat tummy,

That looked like he'd eaten lots that was yummy.

He spoke not a word, but got down on one knee,

And placed a cricket set under the tree,

A present for Sis, one for Dad, one for Mum,

Then he turned and he winked and held up his thumb.

He jumped on his tractor, to his dog gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, as fast as a missile.

I called out "Thanks," as he flew past the gate.

He called back:

"Kia ora to all, and good on ya, mate"

Me

2005-12-11T22:45:00.000+13:00

Lights Part Deux

2005-12-05T22:31:00.000+13:00

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/xmaslights2.html

Same House.
Just as impressive.

Do you think it's real?

Neutron

2005-12-05T22:30:00.000+13:00

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks “How much?”

The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

Lights

2005-12-01T10:13:00.000+13:00

http://homepage.usask.ca/~amn076/lights.wmv

Need sound on.

Amazing

Sorry for the dial-up people, this may take a little while to load, but it’s worth it.

Pinch

2005-12-01T09:56:00.000+13:00

A Pinch

And a Punch

For the First of the month

NO RETURNS!

Men

2005-11-29T18:56:00.000+13:00

Airlines' no men near children policy slammed

By COLIN MARSHALL

A campaigner for the importance of men in society and a psychologist with 15 years' experience working with sex offenders have both slammed an Air New Zealand and Qantas policy of moving men sitting next to unaccompanied children.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/0,2106,3495377a10,00.html

Once again, men are discriminated against

NEWSFLASH!! Women can potentially be sex offenders too!

Nandor

2005-11-16T20:52:00.000+13:00

I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I saw this headline. Surely, this must be the definition of irony?

The Dope Head MP thinks that his stance on Cannabis "reform" is "clouding his image"
Gee golly, ya think. Could it be because thats all he's been going on about since he became an MP (I do hear that dope does make your memory bad, maybe he's just forgotten he's already flogged that dead horse?)

Surely, he can see the irony in his statement about "clouding his image" when Cannabis has been clouding his mind all this time.

Unemployed in Dublin

2005-11-14T12:35:00.000+13:00

Paddy and Mick worked in Dublin and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel fitters are skilled labour." "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."

On the Nose

2005-11-07T21:19:00.000+13:00

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"

Fawke Guy Fawkes

2005-11-03T21:16:00.000+13:00

I just don't understand it.

Four years ago, some didn't like the way the US government was interfering with other countries governments, so they hijacked some planes, and crashed them into some buildings.

Four HUNDRED years ago, a person didn't like the way the government was being run, and snuck into parliament buildings, and tried to blow it up.

What's the difference between these two scenarios?

Not a lot apart that the first one succeeded and the second one didn't.

Why are we celebrating an attempted terrorist attack?
Or was it okay because he didn't succeed, what what, tally ho, tootle pip old bean?

Sure, have fireworks (that's a whole other post) but be celebrating something good. Perhaps we can actually have a national day that we can be proud of?

I hate to think how we would be celebrating if Guy Fawkes had blown up parliament.

Bananaramarobastore!

2005-10-31T21:29:00.000+13:00

A banana peel and a banana are robbing a store.

"Don't worry," says the peel. "I've got you covered!"

The Pigmy

2005-10-24T22:55:00.000+13:00

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".

The pigmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?".

Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied: "Oh, there'd be about 60 of us."

The Man with the Pram

2005-10-21T23:33:00.000+13:00

I was sitting,
watching a man walk with a pram
then that man tripped over his own feet.
Turned to look to see what what caused it.
Dude, you really think you'll see it now when you didn't see it the first time?

The Price of Petrol

2005-10-20T21:45:00.000+13:00

How crazy are the petrol prices at the moment?

So crazy that a temporary 5cent price drop causes huge queues at a petrol station.

Here's the maths guys. A 5cent per litre drop will save the average user about $2 for a 40L petrol tank! Hardly makes a difference huh. And even then, that figure would only be if the tank was empty to begin with!

Doctor, Doctor

2005-10-18T22:03:00.000+13:00

I was thinking before. Yes I can tell that even that statement shocked you.
I was thinking how I would never ever go to a Doctor who smoked. They could be the best Doctor in the world, a leader in their field. But I'd never go see them.

Why?

Because how can you trust a Doctor who smokes, when they of all people know the effect of smoking.

Porridge

2005-10-17T08:44:00.000+13:00

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, looks into his small bowl.
It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!! "he squeaks

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For Godness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag yoursorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE STUPID PORRIDGE YET"

Hey Lady

2005-10-15T16:40:00.000+13:00

Hey Lady.
Yeah you.
The lady with your expensive shoes.
Yeah you lady.
The lady with the short skirt and business jacket.
Yeah you.
The lady with your hair tied back and perfect.
Yeah you lady.
The lady with your fancy smancy make up on.
You know what lady?
I can see where your spray on tan ends.

Dang

2005-10-11T22:12:00.000+13:00

Dang it, I had my post all planned, and now I forget it.
You would have laughed.
You would have cried.
You would have fell all warm and fuzzy.
You would have been informed as well as entertained.
But I forgot.

Sorry.

You believe me don't you?

Who Wants to be a Millionare?

2005-10-10T22:44:00.000+13:00

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Feel Free to replace Blonde with another appropriate hair colour)

Eddie: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Eddie: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Eddie, just to be sure.

Eddie: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)Maggie (also a blonde):
"Hello..."

Eddie: "Hello Maggie, its Eddie here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Eddie: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Eddie: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara "It is."

Eddie: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Eddie: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks

"Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Hey Green Day

2005-10-06T15:53:00.000+13:00

Hey, Green Day, wake up! September has ended.

Southern University Psychology

2005-10-03T14:20:00.000+13:00

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

Time & Time again

2005-09-30T12:41:00.000+12:00

Why is it, that when I look at a clock, or watch, that on a large percentage of the times, the time is 12:22 either AM or PM

I could be oblivous of the actual time, but those four digits often appear.

If I'm asleep, and wake up, often it's 12:22am

Anyone else have that happen to them?

Scraping the Bottom

2005-09-29T09:19:00.000+12:00

Hmm, that title sounds dodgy doesn't it! Well, I couldn't spell barrell

What's with all the reality shows these days?? ENOUGH!

It seems every man and their dog (what if I'm a cat person? but that's another post entirely?) is "staring" in or participating in a reality show.

My hall of shame is (remember, these are actual shows)

The Will - 10 family members (5 blood relatives, 5 family friends) compete to be written into the will of the family head, taking over his ranch when he dies.

Who's my Daddy - A woman, who was adopted at birth, meets ten men, one of who is her biological father. She of course doesn't know who he is.

A woman, 10 men, all eliminated until one is left. The twist.... half the men are gay. If the final guy is straight, SHE wins the money. If the final guy is gay, HE wins the money.

And now we've got 2 nz tv channels putting shows with has been (or hardly ever were) celebrities competing in a "talent" contest.

Cheap shows to produce, and it shows.

Oh that Gandhi!

2005-09-26T12:47:00.000+12:00

So Gandhi always walked around with no shoes on so he had really rough feet.
He is also renowned for his hunger strikes that made him very skinny.
He was also a very spiritual man
.But due to his poor diet he had very bad breath.

So what does that make Gandhi?

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Because I want to

2005-09-20T16:39:00.000+12:00

A frog goes into a bank and asks the teller, whose nameplate says, "Mrs. Wach", if he can have a loan.

She says, you can call me Patty, and do you have any collateral?

The frog replies, yes, he has something he can use as collateral and he shoes her a figurine of a toadstool.

The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, but that won't be enough. Can anyone co-sign the loan?"

"Well, yes, insists the frog, my father is Mick Jagger."

The bank teller tells the frog she will go ask the manager if she can grant the loan and proceeds to explain the situation to him.

The bank manager listens intently as she describes the figurine and then says,
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wach, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

The Irishman

2005-09-19T08:46:00.000+12:00

Paddy applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be stupid if you think that represents a hundred!"

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred... So, when do I be starting the job?!"

Controversy

2005-09-16T16:05:00.000+12:00

/INSERT Controversial subject

/AWAIT Outraged Comments

/INSERT Intelligent Rebutal

/END Result, increased blog hits

Rain

2005-09-15T10:05:00.000+12:00

Dear Lord

Enough!

If it is to rain Lord, then let it really rain, not this pitiful drizzle that falls in between needing to use the window wipers on intermittent, and full speed.

Amen

What, Exactly, Are Cats?

2005-09-12T10:48:00.000+12:00

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Complaints in writing to the Management.

Breaking News

2005-09-06T16:52:00.000+12:00

Just in, from www.tvnz.co.nz

Breaking News

Sheryl Crow engaged to cycling champ
Invasive bird spotted in Auckland
Crowe bans phone questions
Knightley romance rumours strengthen
One News: September 6, 2005
Paltrow a no-show in Venice

Harding important news (apart maybe a little of the bird) in the scheme of things huh?

How about tvnz prioritise their news properly?

Tater

2005-09-05T11:09:00.000+12:00

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters.

Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed,

"Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up.

"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
"Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began t he youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Murray Mexted!"

"MURRAY MEXTED?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!

Drumroll Please

2005-09-01T11:50:00.000+12:00

Yes, you too can make your own National Party Billboard

http://nationalbillboard.fias.co.nz/makeBillboard.php

Go on, away ya go, go crazy, c'mon.....

Mr. Phillard's Twins

2005-08-29T14:56:00.000+12:00

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

Party on Wayne

2005-08-28T13:17:00.000+12:00

It seems that every man and their dog has started up a political party these days.

Examples include...

99 MP Party - The 99 MP Party supports the reduction of the number of Members of Parliament from the current 120 to 99. It was formed by Margaret Robertson, who organised a referendum in 1999 calling for this change. The party also supports making it mandatory for all constitutional changes to be put to referendums.
Okay, lets say the number of MPs gets changed to 99......then what?

WIN Party The WIN party stands for the protection of an individual's right to make an informed choice, and to make an informed decision. WIN calls for the preservation of freedom of choice. WIN calls for government to be accountable to the New Zealand people and for individuals within government to be accountable for their performance.
Sounds alright until you learn that the leader of the party is John van Buren aka "whining smoking in bars guy"

Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party - ALCP exists to legalise cannabis for recreational, spiritual, medicinal and industrial purposes; to empower people to work together for peace and true justice; and to institute a proper and just balance between the power of the state and the rights and dignity of the individual.
Okay, dope is legalised....then what??

I wonder if I started the "Lets keep single issue partys out of paliament" party if I'd do well, and then the ironic thing would be that I would be a single issue party!

Wowee

2005-08-23T22:35:00.000+12:00

Whoo Hoo, and acual post huh!

It's been a while since I've posted an acual post and not just the regular joke-monday.

What's with all these radio advts that like to magnify bodily sounds. I think there is one about some guy who can't sing, drinks product X, and then sings like Pavarotti or something. The sounds I am referring to are more specifically eating or drinking sounds. I can't stand them. I'm not at all squemish about "bodily noises" but those noisy eating and drinking sounds annoy me.

Maybe I'm just getting grumpy in my old age.
Don't answer that.

Learn to speak Chinese

2005-08-22T10:32:00.000+12:00

Are you harboring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

Polar Bear

2005-08-15T09:48:00.000+12:00

A young polar bear walks up to his dad one day and asks,
"Dad, am I a pure polar bear-you know, not part black bear, brown bear, or grizzly bear?"

"Why, no, son. You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask?"

"Because I'm frickin' cold."

The Movies

2005-08-08T11:01:00.000+12:00

Things I Learned From Movies

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Marooned

2005-08-01T10:51:00.000+12:00

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean... ", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail!?"

This Guy I know

2005-07-30T17:03:00.000+12:00

Let me tell you about this guy I know.

This guy I've known for about 10 years.
The guy is a great friend.
This guy never has a bad word to say about anyone.
This guy always had a cuppa on when I came to visit him.
This guy is always available to give me a helping hand.
This guy has a soft gentle nature.
This guy has a great sense of humour even when times were tough.

This guy will be known to some people who read this blog.

This guy is Steve Adams, and Steve died unexpectedly on Wednesday night from complications from Kidney Failure.

And I use present tense because I know we'll meet again someday

Google Moon

2005-07-26T12:09:00.000+12:00

Last week I posted about a new programme from Google, called Google Earth.

I wonder if anyone who reads this blog has downloaded it?

Anyway, Google have come up with another feature called Google Moon.
You guessed it, the same as Google Earth, but has pictures of the moon.

It is a web based programme so you don't need to download anything.

Make sure you zoom in as much as possible, you'll be amazed at what you can see.

http://moon.google.com/

Check it out, and post comments on what you think.

The Atheist

2005-07-25T07:43:00.000+12:00

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him.

He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Google Earth

2005-07-20T08:08:00.000+12:00

I've found the coolest programme!

Head to http://earth.google.com/ and download it.

What it is is the world by satellite.
Everywhere.

If you search you street, city, and country it'll have a pic of it, and you'll probably be able to see your house.

A warning though, you'll really need to have at least a broadband connection

I did a couple of searches of the apartments we lived in in Canada, and found them..... Crazy.

Very Big Brother like, but still fun

For example, the Grand Canyon from 19000ft perhaps??

What goes around, comes around?

2005-07-19T19:24:00.000+12:00

I mentioned in a post a while ago, about pet peeves, that one of mine was when you let people in while driving, that they don't acknowledge you....

Well, a similar thing happened to Mel the other day.
She works at a bank, and noticed that someone had left their car lights on outside. Being the shy girl that she is, she announced this fact to the customers queuing incase it was theirs.

As it happened, the car did belong to a customer. He didn't acknowlege Mels deed at all, and stormed out.

And then, to top it off, as Mel was leaving her position, she banged her knee on a drawer.

An inconsiderate customer, and a bruised knee.

But still, the deed was done with a smile.

The Bar

2005-07-18T08:57:00.000+12:00

Two guys are sitting at a bar, drinking.

One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

The other guy says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.''

The Morning

2005-07-16T13:08:00.000+12:00

Isn't it a great felling when you wake up at the same time you normally do on a work day, but today is a day off, so you can turn over, and go back to sleep without feeling remotely guilty?

Friend for a Reason, Season, Lifetime

2005-07-15T11:08:00.000+12:00

There are 3 types of Friendships.

Friends for a Reason
These are friends who are only around for a short time before they a gone. They are there for a specific reason, be it to help you in a specific situation, be there for you when you need them

Friends for a Season
These are friends who around for a bit longer. It maybe a few months, or a few years before they are gone.

Friends for a Lifetime.
Obvious really. These a friends who are there for every reason, and every season and they last a life time.

No Friend is better than the other, they are just there for different reasons.

White Substance

2005-07-11T09:43:00.000+12:00

The Lions Touring Rugby team training session was delayed today for nearly two hours.

One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.

Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line.

Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

Flight Centre

2005-07-09T17:21:00.000+12:00

What's wrong with the Flight Centre advertisments on TV?

Prices...no, they seem okay.
Information...no, I'm sure it's right....
The fine print....probably, but it's too small to read anyway.
The "Flight Centre" pilot! YES! That's the problem!

You know why?

I'm sure he's not a real pilot anyway, but that's beside the point...

Pay close attention to what the guy is saying.
Does his voice match the mouth movement?? No

Yet another advertisment where they feel the need to dub someone elses voice onto the actors.

How cheap is that.

Not the only one. Theres a coalgate one on at the moment...

Doesn't give me a good impression when the companies involved are too cheap to make their own advert.

Polar Bear

2005-07-06T23:47:00.000+12:00

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says,
"Can I have a Gin and ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... tonic please?"

The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"

Polar Bear says, "Don't know. I've always had them."

The Headline

2005-07-06T14:34:00.000+12:00

"Williams's flight aborts landing"

First Impression they want to give - Shock, Horror, How Terrible.

What actually happened. Plane couldn't land due to low cloud. Big deal.

2005-07-05T12:48:00.000+12:00

Here is a little trick that will stump you.

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one inyour head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

The Coffin

2005-07-04T22:15:00.000+12:00

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise... BUMP... BUMP...

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin... still it came.... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed some Vick's cough mixture and threw it... The coffin stopped.

Tractors

2005-07-04T09:32:00.000+12:00

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.

Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe… "I'm an ex-tractor fan..."

We kill 1 in 3 babies

2005-06-30T10:23:00.000+12:00

http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/0,2106,3327389a11,00.html

There were 18,210 abortions last year, about one to every three births, though the number fell by 300 from 2003, the first drop since 1992.

Amazing huh.

Global Warming

2005-06-28T08:35:00.000+12:00

I know, a strange topic to mention in the middle of winter but what the hey....

When you hear people talking about global warming, the warming of the earths average temperature, they always mention about all the ice melting and the sea level rising by X amount of metres.

If we all think back to our High School science glasses, what did we get taught that happened when water froze? It turned into Ice right?? Not high level stuff here...

Next step. When water turns into ice, other than the obvious different state that it's in, what else did we notice??

It took up more room! Water, when freezing into ice, expands!

So how can than basic law of science, be different for the ice at the North and South Poles??

I don't get it. When water freezes, it expands, so therefore when in melts again, it takes up less space, so surely the oceans could potentially drop?

"But what about all the ice on top of the land in Antartica" I hear you say?

Bah! From what I understand, there is quite a large amount of ice about the land that makes up the Antartic, and it's under what would now be considered sea level.

Call me a sceptic, but the basic science behind all these claims the waters will rise if/when the ice melts just desn't cut the mustard.

If you are scientifically minded (yes, you Mum) try and explain...

The Worlds Funniest (Really)

2005-06-27T10:32:00.000+12:00

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

This joke was voted the funniest in the world. http://icwales.icnetwork.co.uk/0100news/0600uk/page.cfm?method=full&objectid=12251019

Polls

2005-06-22T11:08:00.000+12:00

I think that there should be no political party related polls in the lead up to an election (say 3 months out)

Why?

a> because they are never very accurate
b> if people see that their preferred party is behind, they'll think, bah, what's the use in voting, we're only going to lose anyway
c> they vary so much from company to company that I just take them with grain of salt anyway

I am so not into politics, but will always vote. If you don't vote, then you had no right to complain about the party/ies that win because you did nothing about getting your choice elected.

I long for the day after the election where the politicans can focus on running the country rather than bagging each other. Wishful thinking I know.

Definitions

2005-06-20T07:54:00.000+12:00

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

· Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
· Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
· Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
· Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
· Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
· Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
· Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
· Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
· Glibido: All talk and no action.
· Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
· Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Anyone care to add any of their own?

Pet Peeve

2005-06-15T09:52:00.000+12:00

Everyone has them.
Admit it. You've got one too!

Something that really gets on your nerves.
Something that makes your blood boil every time it happens.
Something that causes you to think bad thoughts.
or just something that makes you roll your eyes when it happens.

One for me is when you are driving and stop and signal a car to enter the flow of traffic from the side street, and they don't acknowledge you at all.

How hard is it to honk your horn in appreciation, or wave a quick wave, or flash your lights.

I was courteous letting you in, it's only courteous to acknowlege that! Surely?

Any other pet peeves people have?

Oh, and why is it called a PET peeve?

Michael Jackson

2005-06-14T09:37:00.000+12:00

Michael Jackson, Innocent or Guilty? Either way, he is a strange man.

Bungee Jump

2005-06-13T07:43:00.000+12:00

Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there."

Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces andcomes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up.This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Sven gasps,
"No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. But what on earth is a piñata? "

Magic

2005-06-09T13:24:00.000+12:00

Do you know that if you're making a cup of coffee (instant generally) put the coffee in the cup, pour the hot water in, stir vigouriously, pull the spoon out, THEN immediately pour the milk in, the coffee will stir in the milk itself without any further need for stirring!?

Magic